'Moments of sheer panic'

Writing a book, as seen in my journal. Plus, two Creative Hour dates for your diary.

LOL

On 30 December I sent the manuscript for the In Writing book to my publisher.

The final month of the process was mostly printing the thing out, scribbling on it, transcribing my changes to the screen and then printing it out again – it was anxious, but I already have quite fond memories of living inside that work, almost all day every day, in my quiet living room in the depths of winter. There was a slow-dawning pleasure as I saw the changes getting smaller and more manageable, and the finish line approaching. There will be more work to do when I get my editor’s notes, of course – but for now, every morning I wake up and think, ‘I wrote a book,’ and I feel a great relief, peace and satisfaction.

On Wednesday morning I wrote about it in my journal, and then I turned back to see what I’d else I’d said over the last few months. It was interesting to see the ups and downs of morale in action, and I know many people who subscribe to this newsletter have been in the same situation, or are in it right now, so I thought I’d share them with you.

Although I started working on the proposal in December 2022, I wasn’t keeping a journal at that point – the habit comes and goes – so the first entry mentioning the book was in July 2023. For a while afterwards, I talked about it only occasionally; I was getting work done, but I don’t seem to have been losing any sleep over it. Then from the autumn, there was a lot more anxiety – although I should add that there was other difficult stuff going on through the autumn, which might account for some of my feelings about the book too.

Here are some extracts. It’s embarrassing how dramatic I can be, but remember that this is my journal, and as Bridget Jones (movie version) once said, ‘Everyone knows that diaries are just full of crap.’

Monday 2 October

…Meanwhile, I am trying to write a book. My deadline is in less than three months. It is incredibly hard. I feel like my brain is an octopus trying to do eight complicated tasks at once. Everything is on top of me.

Incredibly hard! I hope this newsletter is a safe space. Side note: I got a message from a doctor friend saying that he was up until 4am last night operating on a child. I didn’t tell him that my work is also incredibly hard.

Wednesday 4 October

Writing the book is causing me constant worry at the moment, as the deadline is approaching, but it’s also wonderful and the only thing I want to do, but also what if it’s shit? My biggest concern currently is that there are big holes that need to be filled by more interviews, but I haven’t yet managed to book those interviews.

It’s such an enormous project – like all books – I’m having to think about it on so many different levels at once. I don’t want there to be points that lag and are repetitive or dull, so every page has to be good, but each page could affect another page, and then there’s the question of how all the chapters fit together. Each chapter has a title – are the titles right? And each chapter opens with a quote – at some point I need to print off the first page of every chapter and see how they look together, because maybe I’ve accidentally chosen seven quotes from one writer and three from another writer and no one else? … I’ve made notes for some of the essays that will open each chapter, but have I planned to say the same things in all of them? I’ve done it in a very ad-hoc way, so maybe. I’m assuming the essays will be the easiest bit, because they only rely on me and I think I have thoughts on all the topics, and I’m a journalist so I’m used to writing things of that length – so I’m leaving the essays for later, but what if I’m wrong?

‘Leaving the essays for later’ did end up causing me a bit of stress, by the way. You can see momentum gathering from this point, though:

Tuesday 24 October

I woke up excited today, thinking about the interview I did yesterday with the novelist *********. She was fascinating – I felt so happy during the conversation, because it was such a pleasure to hear her speak, and because I knew it was going to be so good for my book. I transcribed it last night, so today I can start looking at what I can use and where it will fit in.

Tuesday 14 November

I had a good work day yesterday – I managed to finally write an essay I’ve been failing to write for the book for the last month. It was a relief.

Friday 24 November

I’m making progress on the book but it is slow and it’s hard to estimate whether I’m going to meet the deadline.

Thursday 30 November

Yesterday was a good day for the book. In the evening I looked at my spreadsheet that tracks my progress with each chapter, and for the first time I thought I saw a glimmer of light at the end of the tunnel. I thought, maybe I will hit the deadline. Maybe I won’t, but maybe I will.

Sunday 3 December

I interviewed ********* on Friday. I’ve tried to get him for years for the podcast, so it was so exciting and nervewracking. I’m excited and nervous about the book all the time now. I so want it to be good and there’s so little time left to make it as good as I want it to be.

Wednesday 6 December

I have plenty of things to do, but all I am prioritising is the book – I’m neurotically obsessed with it, because I’m scared of not getting it up to the standard I want by the deadline. I am making a little progress day by day, I think, but so much of it still needs a lot of work.

Friday 8 December

Yesterday I had a headache all day and didn’t leave the flat – I just tried to plough through work. So much to do! I’m stressed out.

I did a follow-up interview with *********. She said in her experience you can realise a book is finished quite suddenly. I hope that’s the case because the deadline is stressing me out.

Sunday 10 December

I didn’t work yesterday, but I will today. I’m doing a follow-up interview with ********* in half an hour. I have moments of real confidence now in the book, but also moments of sheer panic.

Saturday 16 December

Chapter 2, which was the hardest to write, is suddenly my favourite chapter.

And then, uh-oh!:

Wednesday 20 December

Yesterday was a bit difficult. I’ve hit a tricky part in the book and lost confidence and started to beat myself up about my writing. I know I just have to keep going but I’m tired and I need some time off.

I took five days off in the end, from 23 to 27 December.

Friday 29 December

I’m on the final few days before my manuscript deadline now. I can’t tell whether what I’m reading is good or awful any more. I’ve looked at it so much.

Then finally, this one:

Wednesday 3 January

Today’s my book deadline, but I finished and submitted it on Saturday. It was such a good feeling. I’ve been working with each chapter in its own document all year, so to copy it into one document and watch the page numbers stack up to 250, and see it start to look like a book – that felt incredible. I wrote a book! I wrote a whole book!

Because it was 30 December, I knew nobody would start reading it until today at the earliest, which meant I’ve had a lovely peaceful few days of just enjoying its doneness, without having to worry about what they’re all thinking. I haven’t looked at it again since I sent it because I don’t want to see what’s wrong with it.

I feel on the whole that I’ve captured at least some of the feelings I wanted it to have. It’s a look at what really makes someone a writer – the kinds of things that concern us and obsess us, and how it feels to be a writer and grapple with this constant fine-tuning work, and what it means when it’s done well – human connection and a conjuring up of a certain emotional experience.

Reading this last paragraph, I’m thinking how strange it is to write a book about how writing can feel, and to feel it all very intensely even while I’m interviewing other authors about it. I worried for several months over whether I could complete the work on time and to a standard I felt happy with, because the alternative would have been too awful to allow – and I spoke all the time to other writers who have similar worries, which did help – and yet I know that if I write another book, I’ll be just as worried.

I’m sure I’ll also be back in Angstville when the edits come in. For now, I’m happy to be able to turn my attention to the newsletter and journalism and other parts of my life, including getting back to the In Writing Creative Hour. This brings me to some dates for your diary:

10am GMT, Sunday 14 January (timezone converter here) – I normally do these at 5pm, so this is unusual. A good week to join if you’re further east than the UK!

5pm GMT, Sunday 28 January (timezone converter here) – back to the normal slot.

*POST AMENDED: Please note that since I sent this newsletter out, I’ve moved the second Creative Hour forward by a week. Here’s the new slot:

5pm GMT, Sunday 21 January (timezone converter here)*

Thank you for bearing with me during the last few quiet weeks. I can’t wait to see you all again!

Until then, good luck with your writing (and your own moments of panic, which I would love to read about in the comments).